Been asked to write a bit for my profile on Club Metro's website, this is what I have so far:
Stuarty Cairns' DJ "career" started in the year 1999AD when his mummy and daddy bought him a no-expense-spared Acoustic Solutions 'HomeMix' all-in-one DJ set-up for almost £50. It had such cutting edge features as a volume control and power on/off switch, which Stuarty took full advantage of, quickly mastering the art of "train wreckage" and subsequently delighting his family and neighbours every Sunday morning at 3am after returning home from the local public house.
However, one day, when the realisation that he was actually a terrible DJ hit him in the face harder than Roberto Carlos' left boot, he decided that he should smash his HomeMix off of a nearby door. Needless to say the HomeMix was rather upset, and decided not to play with Stuarty again. He was gutted, and had to buy a new door.
So, the time had come for Stuarty to get a decent set-up. He purchased a couple of Numark Axis-8s and a Behringer mixer in the hope that these would make me a better DJ.
Nope. He was still crap.
Did this stop him from pursuing his dream career? It certainly did not! He continued delivering the Betterware catalogue, at one point earning on average almost £33.72 per week.
Anyway, his DJ career also flourished, as he bagged high profile gigs at venues such as his bedroom, his mates' bedrooms, and a couple of funerals. During this time his musical tastes also broadened, and he began to concentrate on not only the music that his mum hated, but also the music which made her rip her own hair off and stab herself in the face repeatedly with a plastic fork.
Now, nine years on, and still as dreadful as ever, the 25 year-old Kirkcaldy lad who is based in Whitburn continues the search for his first-ever successful beatmatch. One day it may come, but until then Stuarty will have to make do with DJing at his Uncle's birthday party, his Gran's wedding, and, even worse, establishments such as Metro.