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Discussion Starter · #1 · (Edited)
Right, here's some of my better posts taken from various forums :)

I'll list them all individually and unlock the thread once they are all up :D

*EDIT* The ones I found from this site which are mildly amusing will be posted here below:

http://www.themgzr.co.uk/vb/showthread.php?t=58483
http://www.themgzr.co.uk/vb/showthread.php?t=57171
http://www.themgzr.co.uk/vb/showthread.php?t=58955
http://www.themgzr.co.uk/vb/showthread.php?t=51419
http://www.themgzr.co.uk/vb/showthread.php?t=49844
http://www.themgzr.co.uk/vb/showthread.php?t=51314&highlight=disastrous+date

I'll post the latest ones in this post too :)





My usual Matalan boxers started to develop some holes a few weeks ago, so decided to get me some Primark efforts. However, due to a combination of them being one size too large and the fact I only have a tiny peepee, my snout keeps poking out of the "piss flaps" :(

To make matters worse, most of my jeans are button fly, and today it managed to worm its way out of both my drawers and my trousers while we were at my pal's house, resulting in both her mum and gran catching a glimpse of fiveskin :(:(

I didn't see them seeing it, but they kept sniggering and couldn't make eye contact with me the whole time I was there, so needless to say they'd spied "John". Bet they were talking about it as soon as we left :(:(:(

The thing is, normally I would've felt the chilly on my willy, but her house is like an oven, so never even noticed my excess wrinkly pink winkle skin was out in the open until Lisa tried to tuck it back in for me - not something I want a fake nail wearer to help me with should I be on display in the future, I must add!!! :(:(:(:(

I'm back there for a birthday party on Saturday, going to wear some tight briefs to hold it where it should stay, last thing I want is a bunch of drunk people seeing my wee man :(:(:(:(:(
 

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Discussion Starter · #2 ·
Thursday night, during the taxi-ride home from a severe night on the piss with my mates, I began to realise that I was going to regret having eaten only two sandwiches all day.

So, when I got out of the taxi, instead of going into the house, I thought I'd head round the side and spew my guts out. So I assumed the standard vomitting position, and let fly.

However, the convulsions were insane, unlike any other bout of barfing I've ever experienced, probably because there was nothing in my gut to bring up. It wasn't pleasant, but even worse, during one of the convulsions I felt something on the underside of my, erm, ballsack, twang. It was ****ing agony!!! :(

Well, I thought that it was just caused by the convulsions of being sick and it would go away when I was back on my feet, but no, the pain's still here and it's still agony. I think I've torn the muscle. You know the one that runs down your schlong right to your backdoor? I can't go for a peepee or a poopoo or even sit down now :(

What have I done to deserve all this penile woe!?!?!? :(

Having a 2-incher is enough of a sexual disability :S
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
My mummy and daddy are currently on a 2-week cruise (jammy bastards), so my younger brother Graeme invited me and Lyndsay through to stay with him last saturday as obviously the house was free.

Needless to say a lot of drink was consumed, and, come 5am Graeme was absolutely starving. Lyndsay and I stayed through the living room while Graeme went through to the kitchen.

Five minutes later, Graeme re-entered the living room, paused dead in his tracks, and promptly spewed up directly onto the laminate flooring what looked like pretty much every diced vegetable imaginable.

Then, as he surveyed his impressive chunky mess, out of his vommit-covered lips came quite possible the best piece of information I have ever been given:

"Never eat Asda Big Soup after 16 pints."


Then he strolled casually back through to the kitchen, I heard a drawer opening and thought to myself "he must be getting a cloth to wipe it up."

But no! Not Graeme. He returned with a coronation chicken sandwich and a bottle of Stella!!!
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
First game back today after my recent (started 4 years ago) bout of injuries... feeling ok, bit sluggish, but not too bad considering I hadn't played for so long and it was my parents' silver anniversary party the night before.

Anyway, bad choice of underwear results in severe scrotal chaffing, and by half-time my balls feel like they have been sandpapered. My gaffer, seeing me clutching my groin area, throws me a tub of cream stuff and says '"Pit that oan Stuarty, that'll sort ye oot." Presuming it was some kind of lubricating cream I slapped on loads of it and rubbed it right into the now open wounds.

However, turns out he thought I had a muscular strain, and what I was rubbing in was actually a Deep Heat-style muscle rub... :S:eek:

I was in agony! I ended up having to be subbed (for my little brother to make his debut so it wasn't all bad) before the second half had even started. As soon as I was off I jumped behind the fence, hawked my shorts and boxers all the way down (exposing the fans watching the rugby on the adjacent pitch to my tiny penis and mass of ginger pubes), and scooshed the affected area with the only cool liquid in the vicinity... Lucozade!!!

To make matters worse, when I eventually managed to walk the 12 miles to the changing rooms, I had to explain the wet stains all the way down my shorts to the rather tasy groundswoman :S

Oh, and we lost the game. Good times.
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
A few Christmasses ago, when I worked at Comet, I was sent to another branch 15 miles away to deliver/collect some stock. I was waiting on the stuff being brought to the front, when this old guy in a wheelchair and his wife (I mean 'in a wheelchair, and his wife'... not in his wife) walked (drove?) into the shop.

Maybe I was a bit cheeky, but here's the conversation that ensued...


Old Guy (very rudely): Excuse me, I have a complaint to make!!!

Me (standing in full Comet uniform): I don't work here.

Old Guy: What!?!? Are you taking the **** out of me!?!?

Me: Nope. I just don't work here.

Old Guy: How DARE you be so cheeky to me!! I demand to speak to your manager!!!

Me: Well, do you drive?

Old Guy: Of course I don't drive!!!!!!!!!

Me: Well, how do you expect to travel the 15 miles to Kirkcaldy then!?!?

Old Guy (to my mate Jay, who DID work there): Excuse me! I would like to speak to your manager about this cheeky young whippersnapper here as he has been most unhelpful!!!

Jay: I would expect he would be Sir, he doesn't work here...

Old Guy: Just get me your manager!!!

Jay: He's actually busy with a customer just now Sir, I'm Assistant Manager, can I help?

Old Guy: Don't you know that you are required by law to provide easy accessibility for disabled customers!?!?

Jay: Yes Sir, and I believe we fully comply to those standards...

Old Guy: You most certainly do not!!! I cannot get over there (points towards camcorder department) for that infernal Christmas Tree!!!

Jay: To be fair Sir, that tree is not 'infernal', it is but a symbol of our celebration of the birth of our lord Jesus Christ.

Old Guy: That is not the point!!! The point is, I cannot get through there!!!

Me: To be fair, neither can I, nor can Jay... in fact, for someone to fit through that space they would have to be the width of my arm...

Jay: Sir, it's blocking everyone off, not just you. I'm afraid that it is the only place in the shop that it can go.

Old Guy: So how am I supposed to get over there!?!?

Me: Erm, maybe go the long-way round, the same way as all the rest of the customers do...???

Old Guy: That may be alright for the rest of you, but as you may or may not notice I am in a wheelchair!!!

Jay: Sir, it's only an extra couple of feet around that Laptop display...

Old Guy: Yes, maybe only a couple of extra feet for you, but for me it is very much a hardship!!!!

Me: I presume you live next-door in Powerhouse then?

Old Guy: Pardon!?

Me: Well, you said you can't drive, yet you also can't travel an extra couple of feet, so I presume you live somewhere in the retail park...???

Old Guy: Don't treat me like a fool, young man!!!!!

Me: I'm not, I'm simply interested as to how you managed to get all the way here if you can't manage to go another 10 feet to the camcorders...

Manager: Hi Sir, can I help?

Old Guy: I bloody hope so!!! This young man has acted most disrespectfully towards me!!! I should hope that you see to it that he loses his job!!!!

Manager: I can't, he doesn't work here...


Manager and Old Guy then make an almost exact repeat of the conversation above, until...


Manager: Anyway, was it the camcorders you were interested in Sir? Shall I get a salesman to bring a selection over here for you to have a look at?

Old Guy: No thank you! I have no intention of buying a camcorder, I only came in as I noticed on the passing that, had I wished to, I wouldn't have been able to get to that part of the shop...


Was I a bit harsh, or did this old ****** just have a serious chip on his shoulder?
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
This guy who owns some dog kennels phoned me up this morning querying why his phone-bill had went up from the regular £30ish to a whopping £650 in the space of only one month. I said I'd look into it and get back to him, then checked the numbers on his bill to try and figure out where the figure came from.

The ensuing conversation between us when I rang him back went a little like this:


Me: Hi, is that Mr.'X' there?

Him: Yes.

Me: Hi sir, it's Stuart from Thus Plc. here, I've managed to figure out why your bill is so high...

Him: Oh excellent, so what's caused it then?

Me: I think it may have been caused by you not realising that those sex-lines you have been calling are actually £1.50 per minute...

Him: *DIAL-TONE*
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
My birthday party last night, Lyndsay had one of her gay hairdresser male pals over. First of me meeting him and his boyfriend (who come up later, if you'll excuse the pun), thought they were a pair of fanniess TBH, but hey, everyone's welcome at Stuarty's parties!!!

Anyway, since everyone had congregated into two other rooms leaving the lounge (a.k.a. discotheque) empty, my dad thought he would use the following immortal words in an effort to kick-start the party:




"Last one through is a poof!!!"

:S
 

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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
Run out of paracetamol this morning, so had to put an end to eight days of mumps-induced reclusiveness and venture out to the local Somerfield. On the way, I came across four old gits, each of them sitting in one of those electric disabled buggy-type thingummys, blocking the path in a perfect diamond formation.

Just as I squeezed passed them (coincidentally at the exact same time I decided to cough and splutter my mumps germs all over them for being so ignorant), I heard the following snippet of conversation:


Old Git: Yes, I've been having problems with some grinding coming from the rear axle...

Older Git: Me too, not sure what's causing it.

Oldest Git: I'm led to believe it is caused by...



Bless them and their little buggy meet!!!
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
Some old, fat, ugly biffer with what is no doubt a very dry and unused scabby growler decided to block one of the aisles in Asda today using a combination of her trolley and her behemoth of a backside.

Now, I've torn a muscle in my left arm so was already struggling with the trolley from hell, so the last thing I needed was some ignorant skank getting in my way. However, I'm the most polite person you'll ever meet, so I said, in the nicest possible tone, "excuse me please". She turned around, 300-pack of Walkers Crisps in-hand, and glared at me before snapping "Tch! Can't you go round the other way!?"

My reply was a little less polite than my initial comment to her: "Can't you put those crisps down and spend the money on a gym membership, you stupid-looking ignorant fat cow!?!?"

Showed her :D
 

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Discussion Starter · #10 ·
Was just making my dinner there, and noticed one of my neighbours outside chasing her dog around. I also noticed her immense bulk and the fact that she was wearing a vest top without a bra. I then unfortunately noticed her right breast pop completely out of her top and slam to the deck at about 90mph, instantaneously crushing her dog to death!!! Well, the boobular speed and canine death was a bit of an exaggeration, but I genuinely did watch her monstrous diddy come free from her top :noexp:
 

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Discussion Starter · #11 ·
Well, the time finally came today for Lyndsay and I to tidy under the king-size. Lyndsay moaned about the fact that she was off work with a urinary tract infection, but after a swift glove to the jaw and boot to the ring she decided that it maybe was best that she put up with the pain and got tore into the pile of crap that had lifted the bed almost a foot off the ground.

During our time under the bed we found the following interesting items:

14 socks

3 pairs of underwear

12,000,000 used tissues (contents unknown)

1 used condom (I have NEVER used a condom in this flat...)

A bathroom sink (seriously! Although we did know it was there)

Three year-old magazines (we've only lived here 18 months)

A previously undiscovered species of rodent

David Attenborough

A 1965 Chevrolet Corvette

The Boogeyman

And, get this - Lyndsay actually threw a tantrum saying she didn't want to tidy her room, and started throwing stuff about the place and stamping her feet!!! :crazy:

I actually hate her to the point where I hope she catches AIDS, but in a cruel twist of fate dies by getting run over by a tractor :)
 

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Discussion Starter · #12 ·
Some of you will know I do deliveries for Domino's Pizza a couple of nights a week, tonight being one of those nights. Anyway, had to take a delivery to a place called Deans South, and I swear it was like a scene from Resident Evil: only one out of every six or seven houses was inhabited, the rest were boarded-up; it was cloudy above even though the rest of Scotland's sky was cloud-free; there were random bins/vehicles/bushes on fire; the only audible sound was crows; stray rabid dogs lurked around every corner; the only sign of human life was a little blonde girl with an expressionless face sitting perfectly still on her tricycle whilst staring me out... okay I maybe exaggerated a little bit, but you get the picture - it wasn't the most hospitable place on earth.

Anyway, after trudging through the scariest, strangest, most illogically numbered "housing" scheme I've ever been to in my life, I finally find the house I'm delivering to... only problem is, like most of its neighbouring apartments, it's boarded-up. Now, picture this: I hear a knocking, and look around to see a rather dishevelled-looking "bloke" at the window of the house next-door. Thinking the address on the label must've been incorrect, I walk over to him expecting him to come to the door and tell me the pizza is for him. However, no, that would be too normal. Instead he just shouts through the glass "THEY'RE NO' IN MATE!!!" I asked him, "does somebody actually live there?!", to which he replies "AYE MAN, THEY'RE AWAY TAE GET MONEY FUR YE!!!"

Well, needless to say I was a little sceptical, so thought I'd give the telephone number on the label a ring to double-check all the details... and to my amazement, I heard a ringing from inside the boarded-up house! At this point, a wifie walks around the corner with two little urchins at her heels shouting "SORRY PAL, FORGOT A HUD NAE CASH IN THE HOOSE!!!" So I gave her the pizza, tentatively took the cash from her (half expecting her fingers to fall off from leprousy) and walked rather briskly back to my car, looking back only to see the three of them tucking into their pizza whilst sitting on their "garden" wall! :crazy: :unsure:

The mind boggles.
 

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Discussion Starter · #13 ·
Sitting at the PC the other day, when all of a sudden I hears this "FLUTTERBANGFLUTTERFLUTTERFLUTTERTHUMPFLUTTERFLUTT ERBANGRUMBLEFLUTTERFLUTTERFU(KINGFLUTTER!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!" sound coming from the lounge. Grabbed my handy pocket-sized baseball bat, and edged cautiosly into the room.

The noise was coming from under the couch!!! Gently, I whispered to myself "AAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRGHHHHHHH! WHAT THE FU(K IS THAT!!!!! MUMMYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!", as I grabbed a hanky to mop up my instantaneous self-made poo.

Then, without warning (apart from the loud fluttering banging noises), this gigantic albatross-type thing flew out from under the couch and flapped at me!!!

I said to this as-of-yet unidentified flying beast, politely, "AAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGHHHHHHHHHH GET THE FU(K OFF ME YOU BIG HAIRY *******!!!!!!!!!!!!!", before swiftly skipping off into the kitchen and hiding in the tumble-drier.

But then I though "No! Lyndsay will realise I am a pussy! I must battle this thing to the death!" So I leapt out, banging my head and pulling a muscle in the process, and ran out with Lyndsay's size 4 Logo flip-flop.

It was on the window-sill. It looked like the massive moth that never got a starring role in 'Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles'. And now it was here, seeking revenge.

I tried hitting it with the footwear, but it managed to evade my swift attcking maneouvres (which involved aimlessly swinging the shoe whilst screaming like a big girl), before continuing it's random flapping movements. Then, in a moment of unimaginable brilliance, using my Roberto Carlos-style right thigh to swing and my Beckhamesque right-foot to connect, I managed to half-volley this beast from hell right in the pus. Sensing victory was near, I began to rejoice, shouting "HAHAHA YOU WEE *****, WHO'S THE DADDY NOO!? EH!? EH!?!?"

But my celebrations were premature... for it managed to regain it's balance, and continue it's dark flutter. At a loss, I ran back to the kitchen to rethink my startegy.

Then I came out with a chopping board and melted it in the face repeatedly until it was but a powdery splattering upon my Everst PVC-u Lifetime Guaranteed 'Fit The Best™' window pane.

Since then, I have encountered one more in my flat and two more in my flat hallway. Where the hell did these crazy wing-ed beats rise from!?!?
 

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Discussion Starter · #14 ·
It's been like a billion degrees celcius up here for the past week or so, and as a result every window in the house has been open continually, which has been a pest at night, as if we have any lights on lots of wee beasties fly in and we have to melt them in the chops with a flip-flop.

Anyway, sitting on the pan last night laying a mahoosive KFC-induced belter of a ploppy, and, apparently in his ongoing crusade against the evil of Gotham, Batman flew in my window and attacked me!!! :eek::eek::eek:

Turns out it wasn't him though, it was "just" an absolutely ****ing massive, massive moth, fluttering and flapping at me! Well, some of you will know that I have a morbid fear of them, so I quickly waddled out, George pants around the ankles, orange dung still hanging freely from my pooper, screeming like a big girl for Lisa (who was in bed at the time) to "come and get it".

Lisa came running through, completely in the scud with her tits and minge hanging out, armed with some Raid, and set about it! Anyway, by this time, another SIX (albeit much smaller) moths had flown in, so by the time she had killed them all and closed the window I was not able to commence much overdue sphinctoral wipeage as I physically could not breathe due to excessive amounts of bug killer loitering in the bog air. In the end, I had to clean my dungchute with some babywipes :D

Anyway, August, the month of peak moth size, is almost upon us. What am I going to do?!?!?! Things will only get worse :(:(:(:(:(
 

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LMAOAAAAAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO ROFLCOPTERS.
 

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haha these are so random but ive just been laughing my titties off at every single one of them lol "Some old, fat, ugly biffer with what is no doubt a very dry and unused scabby growler"

lmao
 
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