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2 young boys are in their room... "You know what?" says the first boy, "I think it's about time we started swearing." The other nods his head in approval "When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm going to swear first, then you swear after me, ok?" "Ok!" they agree with enthusiasm. The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the first boy what he wants for breakfast. "Oh, s*** mum, I guess I'll have some Coco Pops" WHACK!! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out. She looks at the remaining boy and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?" "I don't know," he blubbers, "but it won't be f****** Coco Pops."

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A crowded Virgin flight was cancelled after Virgin's 767's had been withdrawn from service. A single attendant was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travellers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it HAS to be FIRST CLASS!" The attendant replied, "I'm sorry sir, I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've to help these people first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out". The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?" Without hesitating, the attendant smiled and grabbed her public address microphone: "May I have your attention please," she began - her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to gate 14". With folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the Virgin attendant, gritted his teeth and said, "F*** You!". Without flinching, she smiled and said, 'I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to get in line for that too."

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What has 18 balls and 3 p*bic hairs? A Michael Jackson slumber party.

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Did you hear about the dyslexic p*mp? He opened a warehouse.

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Ted and Julie are an elderly couple going to bed with one another for the first time. Julie looks at Ted and says, "Before we start, Ted, I have to warn you I have acute angina". Ted looks her up and down and says, "aye, and your t*** ain't bad either."

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Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife? A: 45 lbs. Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? A: 45 min.

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What do lawyers and sperm have in common? One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming human.

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A Blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and sure enough, she opens the door and finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blond is angry, She opens her purse to take out the gun but as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head. The boyfriend yells "No, honey, don't do it." The blond replies "Shut up, you're next."

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How do you stop a kid from wetting the bed? Give them an electric blanket.

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