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451 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·

Arthur approaches an isolated castle guarded by soldiers ( #1 & #2 ) .....

S #1: Where'd you get the coconuts?
A : We found them.
S #1: Found them? In Mercia? The coconut's tropical!
A : What do you mean?
S #1: Well, this is a temperate zone.
A : The swallow may fly south with the sun or the house martin or the plover may seek warmer climes in winter, yet these are not strangers to our land?
S #1: Are you suggesting coconuts migrate?
A : Not at all. They could be carried.
S #1: What? A swallow carrying a coconut?
A: It could grip it by the husk!
S #1: It's not a question of where he grips it! It's a simple question of weight ratios! A five ounce bird could not carry a one pound coconut.
A: Well, it doesn't matter. Will you go and tell your master that Arthur from the Court of Camelot is here.
S #1: Listen. In order to maintain air-speed velocity, a swallow needs to beat its wings forty-three times every second, right?
A: Please!
S #1: Am I right?
A: I'm not interested!
S #2: It could be carried by an African swallow!
S #1: Oh, yeah, an African swallow maybe, but not a European swallow. That's my point.
S #2: Oh, yeah, I agree with that.
A: Will you ask your master if he wants to join my court at Camelot?!
S #1: But then of course a-- African swallows are non-migratory.
S #2: Oh, yeah...
S #1: So they couldn't bring a coconut back anyway...


CRYING!!!!!!!!!! :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

451 Posts
Discussion Starter · #5 ·
Arthur tries to enter a castle guarded by French soldiers

ARTHUR: If you will not show us the Grail, we shall take your castle by force!
FRENCH GUARD: You don't frighten us, English pig-dogs! Go and boil your bottom, sons of a silly person. I blow my nose at you, so-called Arthur King, you and all your silly English k-nnnnniggets. Thpppppt! Thppt!Thppt!
GALAHAD: What a strange person.
ARTHUR: Now look here, my good man--
FRENCH GUARD: I don't wanna talk to you no more, you empty headed animal food trough wiper! I fart in your general direction! You mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries!
GALAHAD: Is there someone else up there we could talk to?
FRENCH GUARD: No, now go away or I shall taunt you a second time-a!
FRENCH GUARD #1: I didn't know we were French?
FRENCH GUARD #2: Of course, we else do you think we are talking in this ridiculous accent?

451 Posts
Discussion Starter · #7 ·
REG: Right. You're in. Listen. The only people we hate more than the
Romans are the fucking Judean People's Front.
P.F.J.: Yeah...
JUDITH: Splitters.
P.F.J.: Splitters...
FRANCIS: And the Judean Popular People's Front.
P.F.J.: Yeah. Oh, yeah. Splitters. Splitters...
LORETTA: And the People's Front of Judea.
P.F.J.: Yeah. Splitters. Splitters...
REG: What?
LORETTA: The People's Front of Judea. Splitters.
REG: We're the People's Front of Judea!
LORETTA: Oh. I thought we were the Popular Front.
REG: People's Front! C-huh.
FRANCIS: Whatever happened to the Popular Front, Reg?
REG: He's over there.
P.F.J.: Splitter!

451 Posts
Discussion Starter · #8 ·

EL : Spare a talent for an old ex-leper, sir.
B : Did you say -- ex-leper?
EL : That's right, sir. (he salutes) ... sixteen years behind the bell, and proud of it, thank you sir.
B : What happened?
EL : I was cured, sir.
B : Cured?
EL : Yes sir, a bloody miracle, sir. Bless you.
B : Who cured you?
EL : Jesus did. I was hopping along, when suddenly he comes and cures me. One minute I'm a leper with a trade, next moment me livelihood's gone. Not so much as a by your leave. Look. I'm not saying that being a leper was a bowl of cherries. But it was a living. I mean, you try waving muscular suntanned limbs in people's faces demanding compassion. It's a bloody disaster.
M : You could go and get yourself a decent job, couldn't you?
EL : Look, sir, my family has been in begging six generations. I'm not about to become a goat-herd, just because some long-haired conjuror starts mucking about.

451 Posts
Discussion Starter · #11 ·
ccars008 said:
We are the knights that say


The Dreaded Knights who say NI!!!!!

KNIGHTS OF NI: Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni!
ARTHUR: Who are you?
HEAD KNIGHT: We are the Knights Who Say... 'Ni'!
ARTHUR: No! Not the Knights Who Say 'Ni'!
HEAD KNIGHT: The same!
BEDEVERE: Who are they?
HEAD KNIGHT: We are the keepers of the sacred words: Ni, Peng, and Neee-wom!
RANDOM: Neee-wom!
ARTHUR: Those who hear them seldom live to tell the tale!
HEAD KNIGHT: The Knights Who Say 'Ni' demand a sacrifice!
ARTHUR: Knights of Ni, we are but simple travelers who seek the enchanter who lives beyond these woods.
KNIGHTS OF NI: Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni!...
ARTHUR: Ow! Ow! Ow! Agh!
HEAD KNIGHT: We shall say 'ni' again to you if you do not appease us.
ARTHUR: Well, what is it you want?
HEAD KNIGHT: We want... a shrubbery!
[dramatic chord]
ARTHUR: A what?
KNIGHTS OF NI: Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni!
ARTHUR: Please, please! No more! We will find you a shrubbery.
HEAD KNIGHT: You must return here with a shrubbery or else you will never pass through this wood alive!
ARTHUR: O Knights of Ni, you are just and fair, and we will return with a shrubbery.
HEAD KNIGHT: One that looks nice.
ARTHUR: Of course.
HEAD KNIGHT: And not too expensive.
HEAD KNIGHT: Now... go! :lol:

Flat Capper
707 Posts
Classic Python - Well Done =D>

I love those guys, they crack me up :mrsmiley:

I thought the shrubbery had to be cut down with a herring? Or was that when they returned?

Senior Member
455 Posts
its better when you watch the DVD, especially the "follow the killer rabbit" dirctors commentary....

MAYNARD: Armaments, Chapter Two, Verses Nine to Twenty-One.
BROTHER: "And Saint Atila raised the hand grenade up on high,
saying, 'Oh, Lord, bless this thy hand grenade that with it thou
mayest blow thy enemies to tiny bits, in thy mercy.' And the Lord
did grin, and people did feast upon the lambs, and sloths, and
carp, and anchovies, and orangutans, and breakfast cereals, and
fruit bats, and large --"
MAYNARD: Skip a bit, Brother.
BROTHER: "And the Lord spake, saying, 'First shalt thou take out
the Holy Pin. Then, shalt thou count to three, no more, no less.
Three shalt be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the
counting shalt be three. Four shalt thou not count, nor either
count thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three. Five is
right out. Once the number three, being the third number, be
reached, then lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch towards
thou foe, who being naughty in my sight, shall snuff it.'"

Ralph the wonder Llama

Senior Member
455 Posts
some more.

DINGO: And after the spanking, the oral sex.
GIRLS: Oral sex! Oral sex!
GALAHAD: Well, I could stay a BIT longer.
LAUNCELOT: Sir Galahad!
GALAHAD: Oh, hello.
LAUNCELOT: You're in great peril!
LAUNCELOT: Silence, foul temptress!
GALAHAD: Now look, it's not important.
LAUNCELOT: Quick! Come on and we'll cover your escape!
GALAHAD: Look, I'm fine!
GALAHAD: Now look, I can tackle this lot single-handed!
DINGO: Yes! Let him tackle us single-handed!
GIRLS: Yes! Tackle us single-handed!
LAUNCELOT: No, Sir Galahad, come on!
GALAHAD: No, really, honestly, I can go back and handle this lot
DINGO: Oh, yes, let him handle us easily.
GIRLS: Yes, yes!
GALAHAD: Wait! I can defeat them! There's only a hundred and
fifty of them!
DINGO: Yes, yes, he'll beat us easily, we haven't a chance.
GIRLS: Yes, yes.
DINGO: Oh, shit.
LAUNCELOT: We were in the nick of time, you were in great peril.

GALAHAD: I don't think I was.
LAUNCELOT: Yes you were, you were in terrible peril.
GALAHAD: Look, let me go back in there and face the peril.
LAUNCELOT: No, it's too perilous.
GALAHAD: Look, [something] as much peril as I can.
LAUNCELOT: No, we've got to find the Holy Grail. Come on!
GALAHAD: Well, let me have just a little bit of peril?
LAUNCELOT: No, it's unhealthy.
GALAHAD: Bet you're gay!
LAUNCELOT: No, I'm not.

1,144 Posts
I think the holy grail is the best of them! We are the knights who say nee and then something about a shrubery classic I cannot rememebr it that well but made me laught with the knights!
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